New Year Jokes and Funny Sayings
The ball is dropping, the champagne is pouring, and someone is already crying about their diet starting tomorrow.
New Year’s is basically one giant comedy routine, the resolutions we won’t keep, the countdown we almost sleep through, and the confetti we’ll be finding in our hair until March.
Whether you need a funny New Year caption for Instagram, a joke for the kids at the party, or something to text your friends at midnight, this is your list. We’ve packed in New Year jokes for kids, adults, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, puns, and funny New Year sayings that sum up the holiday perfectly.
Let’s count it down!
100+ New Year Jokes and Funny Sayings to Ring In the Laughs
Funny New Year Jokes for Kids
These clean, silly jokes are perfect for the little ones who are trying very hard to stay awake until midnight.
Why did the clock get a promotion on New Year’s Eve? It really made every second count.
What do you call a penguin at a New Year’s party? A cool guest.
Why did the boy bring a ruler to the countdown? He wanted to measure the excitement.
What’s a frog’s favorite New Year’s snack? Hopcorn.
What do snowmen do on New Year’s Eve? Chill out.
Why was the snowman so happy at the party? He was surrounded by all the coolest guests.
What did one confetti piece say to the other? “Pull yourself together.”
What do kangaroos say to each other at midnight? “Hoppy New Year!”
Why don’t calendars argue? They always agree on dates.
What did the ghost say on January 1st? Happy Boo Year!
New Year’s Eve Jokes for Adults
Now for the grown-ups who are debating whether to stay up or just set an alarm for midnight and go back to sleep.
What’s a New Year’s resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year. But then I remembered nobody likes a quitter.
My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds. So I look skinnier.
Why did the man sit on his watch on New Year’s Eve? He wanted to be on time.
Why do we tell our friends our New Year’s resolutions? Because they won’t last long enough to be secrets.
What’s the easiest New Year’s resolution to keep? The one you don’t make.
I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since I didn’t become a better person.
My New Year’s resolution was to become a gold prospector. It didn’t pan out.
I once told a chemistry joke at a New Year’s party. I got no reaction.
My resolution this year is to be less awesome. It’s really the only thing I do in excess.
Why was the traffic light late to the New Year’s Eve party? It took too long to change.
Why did the calendar break up with December 31st? It needed a date change.
When someone asks if my glass is half empty or half full on New Year’s Eve, I say: “Either way, fill it up.”
My boss told me to enjoy New Year’s Eve. So I didn’t go to work. He was furious. Apparently “enjoy” has a limit.
New Year Puns and One-Liners
Short, snappy, and perfect for a card, caption, or text message.
- New Year, new me. Said no one who actually changed.
- Why do birds fly south for New Year’s? Because it’s too far to walk.
- I made a New Year’s resolution to be more positive. Positive I won’t keep it.
- My diet starts January 1st. My snacks start December 31st at 11:59 p.m.
- Time flies when you’re making resolutions you’ll forget by February.
- I don’t need a new year. I need a new week. Let’s start small.
- Why do you need a jeweler on New Year’s Eve? To ring in the New Year.
- What’s a champagne bottle’s least favorite subject? Pop quizzes.
- A New Year’s party without bad puns? That’s un-reel.
- January 1st: the one day everyone at the gym is actually excited to be there.
- New Year’s: the holiday where we blame the calendar for our problems.
Knock Knock Jokes for New Year’s
Knock knock jokes are always a hit with the kids.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Abby. Abby who? Abby New Year to you!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good reason to stay up this late?
Knock knock. Who’s there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time for the New Year’s countdown!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Mary. Mary who? Mary New Year!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Ivan. Ivan who? Ivan to wish you a Happy New Year!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Howie. Howie who? Howie gonna make this year better than the last?
Funny New Year Sayings
These funny sayings sum up the holiday in a way that’s painfully, perfectly true.
- “My goal for this year is to accomplish the goals of last year, which I should have done the year before that, which I promised the year before that.”
- “New Year, new me, same naps, same snacks, slightly better attitude.”
- “I’m not saying my resolution failed. I’m saying I gave it a generous head start for next year.”
- “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” Bill Vaughn
- “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” Oscar Wilde
- “I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.”
- “New Year’s resolutions: things you plan to do that give January a false sense of hope.”
- “I resolve this year to worry less about things I can’t control. Update: this is already not going great.”
- “The only thing getting thinner in January is my patience at the gym.”
- “New Year’s Day: the day we realize yesterday’s ambitious plans and today’s reality are not on speaking terms.”
- “My New Year’s resolution is the same as last year’s. I’m nothing if not consistent at failing.”
- “Start every new year with a smile. You’ve got 12 whole months to stop.”
New Year’s Resolution Jokes
Because nothing is funnier than the annual tradition of pretending we’re going to change.
Why don’t New Year’s resolutions ever work? Because they’re re-solutions, we’ve already tried them.
What’s the best New Year’s resolution? Figuring out what you actually want by February.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making lists. (But I’ll finish this one first.)
What did the scale say on January 1st? “Oh no. Not this again.”
Why do gym memberships spike every January? Because hope is more expensive than effort.
I told my gym equipment I was coming back in January. It said, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
What happens if you break your New Year’s resolution on January 1st? You get to spend the whole year guilt-free. You tried!
My resolution was to read more. I read the first chapter of three different books. Progress.
What’s a pessimist’s New Year’s resolution? To expect less so they’re never disappointed.
My doctor told me to watch what I eat in the new year. So I moved the TV into the kitchen.
Funny New Year Jokes About Time
Time is a funny thing, especially when a whole year disappears and you’re not quite sure where it went.
Why did the clock break on New Year’s Eve? It wanted to make a clean start.
What does a clock do after midnight on New Year’s Eve? Goes back to work. Same as the rest of us.
Why can’t clocks ever keep secrets? Because time always tells.
What do you call a clock that’s always late? A New Year’s resolution.
Why was the sundial such a bad party guest? It always brought things to a standstill.
What do you say when time flies on New Year’s Eve? “Wait, I wasn’t done with the snacks.”
New Year Jokes for the Whole Family
These are safe for all ages and great for reading out loud at the dinner table (or in the car on the way to the party).
What do you call someone who loves going to work after the holidays? Retired.
Why did the grape leave the party early? It was raisin awareness.
What do farmers give their partners at midnight on New Year’s Eve? Hogs and kisses.
Why is New Year’s a slice of bread’s least favorite holiday? It has to make a toast.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father? Pop!
What did the mirror say on January 1st? “New year, new reflection!”
Why did the broom get invited to every New Year’s party? It really swept in the new year.
How do astronauts host a New Year’s Eve party? They planet.
Happy New Year! Whether you’re counting down with a crowd or counting down on your couch in pajamas (no judgment), we hope this year brings you plenty of laughs.
Save this list, share it with your people, and come back whenever you need a good joke. We’ll be here.
